Trigger warning: This post makes various references to anxiety, depression and suicide ideation. Read at your own risk.
For the past two years, I think we can all agree that we have been living amidst the uncertainty of strange and difficult times. 2020 was a huge shift for us all, and it made many of us really take a moment or more to assess what really mattered in life. A lot of us struggled with our identities as individuals, as well as our personal relationships, and perhaps, also, our career choices. The 'not knowing' what was coming next put us in a state of fear and increased anxiety about the future. The global pandemic was a thing that happened (and is still happening), like, a nightmare...one we are still unsure about how or when it will end absolutely.
I came into 2020 with no expectations. I remember being on a call with my best friend, and how we discussed our hopes and plans for the new year. I mentioned that I wasn't going to have any plans, and I was just going to let life happen the way it's supposed to. Then, the pandemic happened, and I thought, "Well, this isn't what I meant." and also, "I suppose it's a good thing I didn't make any serious plans or commitments for the year." However, that sense of relief was short-lived, as I later on started to feel very lost and afraid. I became worried and grew anxious about my future. During this time, I was also dealing with a lot of personal issues. A lot of it was related to my mental health. I struggled a lot mentally, and suffered from inconsistent episodes of depression that only heightened my anxiety. In short, it was certainly a hard year for me and I thought I would never see the light at the end of the tunnel. As 2021 drew near, I was still struggling. I was unemployed, experiencing the holiday season in the lonliest way possible, and most all, I was severely depressed. Luckily, I finally got a job that was to begin in the new year. This new opportunity was really the only thing keeping me sane and hopeful as 2020 gradually came to an end. I thought, "At least, I have something to keep me going. This is enough for now." And it was.
2021 began, and I decided to make a plan, this time. I thought having a plan would help me stay focused and give me something to look forward to. I wasn't wrong. I consider myself a very ambitious person, and as someone who aspires to the achievement of great things in life. I wrote down goals for myself this year and most it had to do with advancing in the pursuit of my dreams. Given various circumstances in my own personal life, I had to put a lot of my aspirations on hold, and I also lacked the resources to actively pursue my dreams with effervescence. I felt terribly insecure about the amount of control I had over my life. For the most part, I often feel like I'm simply floating in an attempt to keep my head above water, just to survive, but, at the same time, also realizing that surviving isn't living. Surviving means you're just getting by. And I really didn't want to do that anymore, so, I made a promise to myself that this year was going to be different. I didn't want to just survive. I wanted to live, like as though I had plenty to live for. I made the effort to create a significant amount of change in my life. It didn't have to be anything grand, just small changes here and there. I focused on changing what mattered. The first part of this change involved by hobbies: baking, writing, painting, listening to music, etc. I tried to put more effort in doing things that kept me sane and helped me feel more balanced, mentally and emotionally. My hobbies are certainly a big part of my identity, and so, whenever I felt lost and alone this year, I would take a deep dive into them. I'd paint, or bake, or draw, or dance, or sing. I'd do anything to make me feel like I know who I am, and most of all, the kind of person I aspire to be.
The second part of this change had to do with Friendships. Friends are a big part of my life, but, over the years, I've lost a good chunk of people I kept around me. Some moved away and so we ended up losing touch. And with others, a disconnect created by misunderstandings and tricky circumstances caused us to breakup as friends. Friendship breakups are hard. It's something I feel like we don't talk enough about (i.e. Breaking up with friends, as well as making friends as adults). It is undeniably hard navigating friendships in your twenties. Most of the time, the friends we usually end up with are people we've known since high school, or, the friends we made in college. And a lot of the time, that's really enough for most of us. At least, it is for me.
I don't have many friends, but for the few I do have, I absolutely cherish and care for. I experienced different struggles this year, and at the moment, it's difficult for me to go into detail about all that I went through. I suppose it's because I feel like I'm still healing from all of it. I'm still in a lot of pain. However, I believe that our pain can be a source of power, if we choose not to see it as a weaker part of ourselves. As I struggled with my own pain and grief this year, I was fortunate to have good friends I could rely on. It was certainly hard to be dependent on other people for support, as I consider myself to be very independent-minded. But, I found myself in a circumstance where I had to ask for help (I'm quite terrible at that). I don't like needing other people, and there are reasons for that. I really struggle with trusting others and letting them care for me in one way or another. Perhaps, it's because I've experienced disappointment in the past, so, of course, having faith in people who turn out to be rather decent and genuine, is something I have to relearn on a daily basis. This year, one of my goals was to solidify my friendships and build closer connections with the people in my life whom I cherish. And the only way to achieve that was to risk opening up, and bearing myself as I am before those with whom I wanted to get closer to. Being vulnerable isn't easy. It's scary, and messy, and weird, and awkward.
Yet, we can only be absolutely real when we are true to ourselves and to others.
The final part of this road to growth or change encompassed the decisions I had to make about my career goals. I'll start by saying that, for a fact, on the journey towards achieving our goals and dreams, we will often experience various obstacles and detours that are usually prompted by the circumstances we find ourselves in. No one can predict all future outcomes, and most of the time, a lot of the outcomes are out of our control. Basically, life happens. Our mindset about a career field we may have perhaps put all of our time and effort into, might suddenly change one day. We start to want different things and desire different needs. Perhaps, we feel that our dreams are so far-fetched, and that anything we try to stick to doing, just never works. I've certainly felt this way over the couple of years with my acting career, that still remains non-existent at the moment, because life simply, just happened. So many other things took top priority in my life, and so, I had to put any aspirations to "screen queen success" aside, for the time being. However, that didn't stop me from pursuing my other creative passions, like, writing. I was struck with a lot of 'harsh reality' this year. I dealt with pain, grief, awkwardness and uncertainty. It was at first hard to navigate my way around those feelings. I mean, it still is. But, I didn't want my life to be ruined by my fears and worries. I had to decide to take charge of my life by owning my fears, confronting them, and then befriending them. Because, 'Our deepest desires are hidden behind our fears.'
For me, I've always had this innate fear of being seen as I truly am. Perhaps, some people might also share this same sentiment. I want to be seen and known for who I really am, but at the same time, I want to stay absolutely hidden. I suppose I draw more towards the latter, because I've often felt a certain kind of shame about myself for various reasons. But I've also come to understand that the shame we often carry within us, comes from past judgments that others have placed upon us. And shame is a silent killer. It makes you hide and prevents you from living your truth, whatever that looks like. I've always been so scared to let other people (even my dearest friends) see or read what I write. Be it my poems or short stories, it's just always been difficult to let other people into that part of my world, because I figured they just wouldn't get it. And that was usually the case. Still is. I feel that whatever I write often bears the deepest parts of my being and essence as a person, and not everyone can be understanding or tolerating of who we really are when they get to know us.
Regardless of how good of a person you believe you are, there will always be people who don't like you. There will always be people to criticize and judge you. That is our sad reality.
But even knowing that shouldn't stop us from being our most authentic and daring selves. That's why, another goal of mine this year was to be more bold with my writing. So I practiced, and practiced, and practiced. I wrote poetry, short stories, unfinished screenplays, ramblings in my journal, and so on. But, it wasn't just about putting down anything on paper. My goal was to develop into a more honest writer. "Writing is about airing out your dirty laundry", for the most part. And with writing, I believe that honesty is no longer an option, but more so, a demand. You must know your truth, and tell it as it is. And most importantly, you must believe in your own truth, because certainly, there will be people who will try to define you with their own perceptions and false narratives. And as hard as it will be, don't let it get to you. Stand tall and strong in your truth. Know your worth. We are all worthy and deserving of great things. Tell your story. Share your heart, your thoughts, your words. Do not silence yourself even if others try to silence you. You deserve to be heard. You deserve to be here. These affirmations (and more) are what I used to get through this difficult and challenging year.
2021 was hard for me. It really was. I was an anxious wreck, trying to balance school, work, and my mental health issues. I dealt with suicidal thoughts, scarcity, want and desire, and other various fears. But, here I am, writing about it all (well, the summary of it all). This feels like a testimony of sorts. I've seen myself hit rock-bottom so many times, and somehow I still manage to find myself getting back on my feet, just to keep it moving. Because, of course, life's punches, no matter how hard the throws, will never knock me down completely. I am not invincible, yet, I am still powerful...still beautiful...still fragile...and still strong. We are all doing our best. And whatever your best looked like this year, I'm here to tell you that it was more than enough. You've done enough. You've done well. Thank you for staying here. Thank you for not leaving us. Thank you for choosing to live, again, and again, and again.
So, to 2022, we're definitely not ready for you. But, come anyway. We'll be waiting. We are all looking forward to another chance to do better, and try again. Perhaps, next year, we will try to laugh more, and love more. We will try, more.
Thank you for making it this far. Thank you for being here. I am truly curious. Let me know in the comments below how your year has been. Let us all share and heal together. May you be blessed with love, warmth and kindness this holiday season. Be well, friend. See you in the next story.
Warmly, Grace.
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