There is a hidden fear we all have of being seen as we truly are. Overtime, we have built cocoons to protect ourselves from the coldness of the world and the unkindness of others. For most of our lives, unlike caterpillars, that after a while of undergoing metamorphosis, burst out and spread their newly formed butterfly wings, many of us never really leave our cocoons. We never really 'grow up' or mature into who we really are. Perhaps, there comes a time when we experience a turning point in our lives, in which we decide to become better people. We all want to be better, and to do better, we just have a hard time figuring out the 'how' of it all.
In my own journey through life, nothing has felt easy. I know hardship and pain, disappointment and scarcity, loss and abandonment. My experiences have all been teaching moments for me, and at the same time, they have moulded me into the person I am now. So far, I know that I am kind, soft, temperamental (when the right buttons are pushed), generous, loving, healing from trauma, creative, smart, intuitive, understanding, patient, laidback and easy-going, however, certainly not a pushover. I am still learning, growing and evolving, and it can all be really messy at times. But growth isn't pretty or Instagram-worthy. Growth can be super uncomfortable and super weird. On some days you feel yourself maturing, and you give yourself praise for the wise choices you make. And on other days, you just go, "Why am I like this?" or "Why am I still doing this? I thought I was all grown up by now." The thing is, I don't think we ever stop growing.
Human evolution is in constant flux, but how we react to change and the uncertainty and surprises in life is what truly matters. What matters, is to evolve with courage. We will always be afraid of one thing or the other (e.g. the future, starting a new job, a terminal illness, beginning a new platonic or romantic relationship, moving to a new city, etc.) because nothing in life is promised or guaranteed. We were not created to be fortune tellers, so we all act on instinct or, with the knowledge gained from our own varied life experiences. We takes risks, and simply yet fearfully hope for the best. We say, "I'd rather try and fail, than not try and live with regret." And what is regret?
An imagination or wish that our lives had been lived without mistakes. We recount all the things we could have done better, and we realize that there's no going back. Regret is the future wishing it had a better past.
In life, regret is inevitable. However, we can choose to have fewer regrets by leading our lives in the best way possible. That is, by being who we really are, and doing whatever it is we want to do. Again, nothing is promised. No one knows what tomorrow holds. Even weather forecast technologies don't have all the answers to the weather, just as we don't have all the answers or superior knowledge on anything and everything. Most of the time, many of us just go with the flow of things: 'Wherever the sun shines' or 'However the rain pours'. Some of us try to get by in life without having a definite plan or mode of action, and that is okay, too. I believe that it is important for us to be confident in our choices no matter what the results turn out to be. And if we can't be confident, we should try to be responsible: Holding ourselves accountable when we make wrong choices, and at the same time, giving ourselves grace and compassion, so that we do not define ourselves by our mistakes or failures. Our wrongdoings do not make us who we are. Our mistakes should never become a permanent life badge or seal of disapproval of ourselves. We are not perfect people, and we're not supposed to be. The only thing we should be is human, unapologetically and authentically.
Growth is progressive. We are all continuously learning and growing, and whatever your pace is, that is good enough. What matters is that you're doing your best anyway. In this digital age we live in, it's so easy to compare our lives to the curated and filtered lives of those we see on social media. Nothing is ever so picture-perfect or aesthetically-pleasing in real life. What we usually don't see is the more complex and hidden struggles that some of these people battle with in their everyday lives. But, of course, since being vulnerable and open about our hardships makes us look 'weak', we opt to hide our true selves from the world. We don't want every part of us to be seen, yet, we still want to be seen. We want to be known and loved, acknowledged and understood, cared for and treated with respect. Oftentimes, our souls dwell on this earth as lonely islands waiting to be found by another kindred soul, who will choose to make a home in us for whatever reason we will possibly be unable to fathom. But, what happens then if up to this point, you're still alone? Are you still a wanderer looking to be found by another wanderer: Someone who feels like home. Someone who is home or, some thing?
When you think of 'home' or 'your safe place', what does that look like for you? What are you are surrounded by? Who are you with? Who are you when you feel safe, known and loved?
I find that I feel safe around people who make me feel like it's okay to be myself. I feel safe when I'm surrounded by the things I love. I feel safe when I'm dancing alone in my bedroom at three in the morning because my anxiety won't let me go to sleep. I feel safe when I am able to speak my truth freely and I am met with openness and understanding, instead of judgment and condemnation. I feel safe when I'm alone, doing the things I love, like, writing and singing, or simply just being in a creative headspace. Alone with all the things I love, is surely my favourite place to be. However, one cannot remain alone forever. Connection is necessary. Community is necessary.
And this is why we have met today, friend. For this very reason...to grow and nurture a community of kindred souls, looking for a place to belong. Here on the internet (which is perhaps the scariest place to be), I have chosen to share myself with you (at least, parts of myself I most comfortable and unafraid sharing). I have chosen to be vulnerable and passionate in sharing what is near and dear to my heart. There is so much that matters to me, and so much I have often been too scared to be let known. But fear only takes us so far in life, but never far enough to the point where we finally learn to approach life with courage, despite our visible shaking hands and hesitant hearts. I have chosen to be seen as I really am, as we all truly are...Imperfect, yet, still powerful.
I know nothing of what this journey will bring. I am terrified, you see. I am absolutely terrified, but here I am anyway. Here I am...to share, to create, to give, to learn, and to simply, just be. Let your fear be the thing that leads you to yourself...your true self. Because deep down, you know who you really are. We know ourselves more than anyone else ever will. We know what we want, truly. We're often just too scared to go after it. I'm not here to be a teacher or to pose as a master at life. I'm still learning about life just like you are. The one thing we can do, really, is to support each other through all the weirdness and uncertainty that life brings. I have held myself back for so long, because I was afraid, and because I couldn't trust myself. And honestly, I'm still learning how to have faith in myself and in other people.
So, this is what I have to say about fear...Rather than make it an enemy, make it your friend. When you are afraid to want something, your fear is what makes that thing real for you. For beneath all hesitations hides the deepest desires of the heart. What is it that you want and what is holding you back from going after it? Rejection? Failure? Those are all a part of life. You can't be afraid forever, or, can you? Remember...Fear only takes you so far. How about trying to see just how far you can go even while still being afraid. Let's meet each other on the other side of fear. Let's see how brave we can get, and how bold we've always been. Let us see each other, as we really are...as humans, first and always.
Thank you for being here, and for making it this far. We still have a long way to go. So, I'll see you in the next story, friend. Stay tuned. Stay human. Stay here. In my community, you are always wanted and welcomed.
Warmly, Grace.
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